Need feedback on my essay

[sagarjainmp]

Can somebody please comment on my essay and rate it?
Also please suggest me the areas I've to improve.

ESSAY QUESTION:

The following appeared in a newspaper editorial during the holiday shopping season:

"Americans spend far too much of their time buying and consuming non-essential goods. Studies show that, on average Americans spend over a quarter of their leisure time shopping. As such, it is no secret why America is losing its competitive edge relative to other countries. Instead of spending their time productively, Americans are wasting time through frivolous consumption. In order to counteract this trend, Americans should spend more time focused on personal and communal development--by, for example, pursuing educational advancement or participating in volunteer opportunities."

YOUR RESPONSE:
The author of the argument claims that Americans should cut down their shopping time and instead spend more time on personal and communal development so as to be competitive relative to other countries. To support his claim the author states that the Americans are spending over 1/4th of their leisure time shopping non-essential goods and that this is a waste of time. While the argument does have some merit, it is not substantial to be a conclusive argument. There are many flaws in the argument.

First, the author assumes that the quarter of the leisure time the Americans spending on shopping is substantial to lose its competitive edge relative to other countries. Suppose that on an average the Americans have about 4 hours of leisure time every week, then according to author Americans spend only about an hour per week shopping and consuming non-essential goods. This one hour time may not be too much of a waste of time. So, without knowing the exact average amount of leisure time the Americans have, one cannot make a conclusion such as the one author made.

Second, the author states that spending time productively in pursuing educational advancement or participating in volunteer opportunities help Americans gain competitive edge over other countries. Here, the author assumes that only spending time on such activities will help gain competitive edge. But there is no evidence provided in the argument to support that assumption. Because of these questionable assumptions the argument is seriously flawed.

To strengthen his claims the author should have considered various other factors that are affect the Americans to lose competitive edge to other countries. Shopping time could just be one of the factors. The author should also consider how productive the Americans are in their non-leisure time compared to other country people.

So in conclusion, for all the reasons stated above the argument is flawed. Had the author provided more evidence such as how much time spent on shopping is really substantial to affect Americans to lose competitive edge, then his conclusion would have been strengthened. However, as it stands the argument is flawed.