Please rate me essay(first attempt)

[morc50]

The following appeared in a report presented for discussion at a meeting of the directors of a company that manufactures parts for heavy machinery:
The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with delays in manufacturing. These delays, in turn, are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background in general business, psychology, and sociology, but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department.

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

my essay
In response to the falling revenues that the company is experiencing, the author argues that the company should move the purchasing manager to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department. Although the argument has merits, it suffers from a number of flaws, for instance that the scientist would make better manger than the current. Moreover, the author doesn’t provide enough evidence that the falling revenues are only due to delays in manufacturing, which could strengthen the argument. Therefore, the argument is not logically persuasive.

First, the argument assumes that the scientist would make a better manager than the current purchasing manager. However, the author overlooks the possibility that the scientist has lack of knowledge in general business which is crucial for running a successful purchasing department. It is doubtful that in-depth knowledge of the properties of metals will by itself be helpful in accomplishing this task. I would like to receive further information whether the scientist has knowledge and experience in managing. If it is found that he does, it would be more likely that he is qualified for being a manager.

Second, the author assumes that the falling in revenues are only due to delays in manufacturing. But it is possible that revenues are falling due to increase in competition. I would like to obtain data about the market. This would indicate if the revenues are affected by market changes.

Finally, it is assumed that the delays in manufacturing are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. In making this assumption, the author fails to consider that there might be other reasons for the delays, maybe the company has a shortage in work force or over demand. I would like to receive data about the company changes in the last few quarters in the manufacturing department. If it is found that there has been other change in the company it would be more likely that the delays are caused by other factors and we might need to investigate what causes the delays.

However, as the argument stands, the evidence offered in support its conclusion that the company should bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department does not suffice. If it included the items discussed above, the argument would have been more thorough and convincing.